Here I am looking at the calender, realizing that I've been sick for half of the month of May, really wanting to cry about my discouragement, loneliness, and the waste of a beautiful time of year and life. It all started on Phil's birthday, unfortunately. I woke up, stumbled out of bed, and realized that I felt really weird. No matter, I thought. I would just go about my day and feel better. That's how I ended up standing in a sea of swaying and shaking people in the church sanctuary. They weren't moving, but something in my head was. After hunching awkwardly in a restroom stall, we decided maybe I should go home and try to sleep it off. Two nights later, I had been discharged from the hospital twice, though still unable to stand on my own, look at my surroundings, or even keep down food or water. If I had been physically capable, I would have screamed at all of the medical professionals who were telling me that I was suffering from pregnancy nausea. After almost a week of this, I despaired that nobody would listen to me, and that I would die of whatever was wrong with me. Dramatic? Probably. But if any of you have ever dealt with severe vertigo, you understand how I felt. On the edge of death and in the pit of despair.

Finally, my ENT specialist who had done the biopsy on my supposed swollen lymph nodes on my neck was called into the scene, and they started doing ultrasounds, MRIs, and complicated urinalysis to figure out what was wrong with me. He said the lump on my neck wouldn't be causing my symptoms, well, unless it was a carotid body tumor, but those are super rare. Well, the next morning, he stood there holding my MRI results and said he was shocked to find that I DO have a carotid body tumor on my neck, which is a benign (thankfully) mass that is growing between my inner and outer carotid artery on my neck. He said that there was a chance the tumor was secreting hormones that was causing my vertigo, and that if that was the case, I would be sent to the Cleveland Clinic to undergo a high risk surgery to remove the tumor. He said that if my endocrinology reports came back positive, most likely the future doctors of America would be studying my case report.

Well, nobody wants to be told that they're the rare case to bring all of the specialists out to the hospital on the weekend- much less hear all of the jokes about bringing in Doctor House to figure me out. But in a weird way, though it is a somewhat serious problem, I was relieved that they had finally found out what was wrong with my neck, and that they were actually figuring out what is wrong with me. All of my fears about having to have this complex surgery done while pregnant have subsided, because guess what? It turns out all that was wrong with me was an inner ear infection, and that catching the tumor on my neck was "a lucky coincidence." So, they sent me home, put me on steroids, anti-vertigo meds, and anti-nausea medicine. It took another week and a half of laying in a dark, quiet room before the infected fluid in my head began going back to normal. Who knew an inner ear infection could cause such havoc? Today I'm still feeling quite dizzy, but good gracious I feel like I just walked out of the valley of the shadow of death. And now I couldn't appreciate my health more. So thankful.

So what about my tumor? Well, they can't really remove it during pregnancy, because a women's body is pumping so much extra blood through her arteries during pregnancy, therefore cutting around the major artery of the body during pregnancy is extra risky- not to mention the effects anesthesia has on the fetus. So, I have that surgery to look forward to after delivery. But I am relieved to have a great team of doctors and know that the team of surgeons who will be cutting me at the Cleveland Clinic are the best in the world. I am trying not to worry, and just focusing on getting healthier and growing this baby! I am now seeing a high risk OB, but really the baby is fine, they just want to keep an eye on my vertigo and the growth of my tumor. I appreciate the level of care I am receiving with the high risk team, though! What a relief.

Today begins my first day back to getting work done- for clients and around the house. I think it will be a slow ease back into my routines of life. But I am incredibly thankful to be a little productive again. Although I am still too scared of my e-mail inbox to tackle that just yet. Soon. Thanks for waiting on me, and thanks so much to those on Twitter who said they have been praying for me!

photos by Phil on December 1, 2008

I've long been jealous of people who are invited to Mad Men-themed costume parties, wishing I had a reason to dress in period style with other people involved for once. And finally! Finally my dreams came true. I was invited to join a fine committee of Canton-area business owners to plan and put together a fundraiser for the community of North Canton, Ohio. Our theme? Mad Men – of course. And boy if our big '60s party didn't knock the knee socks off of any Mad Men viewing party I had ever hoped to attend! A funky soul band, cigarette girls toting yummy cake pops, bustling casino games with funny money, delicious food and drinks, great style everywhere, and Mad Men nostalgia galore! I'm still a littled tickled just thinking about it all.

My biggest contribution to the fundraiser was coordinating with Adam of Main Street Modern (seller of impeccable mid-century furniture and housewares!) to put together a 1960's living room photobooth in a corner of our North Canton venue. I set up my lights, turned on my charm, and had a ball meeting new people and capturing their excitement on camera. I'll share a few of those photos tomorrow.

As much as I enjoyed taking photos in my little corner all night, I was happy to get away at the end of the evening to shake it '60s style on the dance floor. Wesley Bright and the Hi-Lights totally wowwed the crowd with their perfect soul style that kept me dancing all night- even if it was only from behind the camera.

What more is there to say? Check out my friend Rob Netro's photos from the night, and you'll begin to wish as I do- that you all could have been there too!

all photos by Rob Netro

Why didn’t I get a real job after graduation? Where the heck has my style gone? And why are my boobs getting SO BIG?! These are questions I hadn’t asked myself in two years… but now I suddenly find myself sitting around, staring off into space, and contemplating these very things. Like, throughout my entire day. Okay, obviously, the boob thing has to do with pregnancy. But knowing that doesn’t make fitting into my shirts any easier. The other questions? I have to wonder if other creatives across the world ponder the same things.

Have you ever had a crisis of self? You may be somewhere in your life that you know is totally right. Your friends and family are great, you’re making (mostly) responsible decisions, and you just have a lot to be happy about. Yet you have those nagging feelings of discontentment, the desire for change, and perhaps a little frustration with what you can accomplish with where you are at financially.

I think I’ve finally pinned down the source of my crisis. And I know you all can relate to this- because I’m 99% sure it’s a cultural thing. Maybe some lean more towards the antsy I-need-new-things personality [raises her hand and says, “Oooh, oooh, me! That’s me!”], but isn’t it a cultural epidimeic of boredom? The need for new, exciting, and better things. And the need for them to be here right NOW? I see so many things that appeal to me, especially with being such an avid blog reader, whether it be a style of decorating, personal wardrobe style, hair-do…. but I just can’t have it all. I can’t go out and buy all of the things I need to fill out my home and decorate a nursery, but that’s all I can think about. I can’t have minimalism and maximalism at once, but they both appeal to me. I can’t keep my weight in check AND make all of those cookie recipes I discovered on Pinterest. And I can’t have the job I want now, and the budget that would supposedly make all of my dreams come true. My home will never look as awesome as all of those pretty pictures on my Pinterest board. I just can’t have it all, gosh darn it! And not having these things isn’t what’s causing my crisis- My crisis is caused by dwelling on what I do not have, instead of ejoying what is right in front of me!

You see, what I do makes me happy. Saving money will give me security. Debt is an evil, scary monster. And those six eighty-dollar curtain panels for my windows might make my living room prettier, but most likely will not make my life any more worth living than going outside and enjoying this beautiful weather, spending time with my loving husband, growing my faith, and cherishing the ones I love.

So I keep telling myself- saving a little money every month for new curtains will be so rewarding when they finally arrive! And maybe someday before I am a grandmother, I will be able to afford to do it up right on a roadtrip out west. But in the meantime, I’m happy to have time to enjoy my life where I’m at. I just might forget about it every now and then…

photos from this 2010 post

Note to readers: It’s become my desire to share more of my heart with you dear readers! Starting with my miscarriage last December, and my thoughts on self-confidence, I’ve really enjoyed connecting with your hearts, and hope that you will be happy to see when these wordier posts pop up amongst the other content you see at Here’s Looking at Me, Kid!