I sort of left you all hanging there, didn’t I? I started radiation therapy at the beginning of May, and it definitely challenged me in many ways. Mostly, I found myself spending 3 hours driving to and from Cleveland every day just to get to The Cleveland Clinic. I had visits with doctors, therapists, nutritionists, nuclear body scans, and the radiation machine. At first, it didn’t feel like the radiation machine was really doing anything, but after a week, I felt it taking its toll on my body and emotions.

I don’t have time for anything except cancer.

At least, that’s how it felt during my treatment. I felt pretty grumpy a lot of the time, and decided it was best for the general public if I mostly stayed off social media, and keep my complaints to myself. It was an interesting departure from every day life, getting to connect with people who were suffering from terminal tumors, who were so upbeat and happy to see me and Lucy every day. Of course, there were those who were obviously very depressed as well. I like to think that Lucy helped brighten their days with her antics and general cheerfulness. And as sad as this might be, seeing those people who were not doing well actually made me feel much better about my situation. It could be much, much worse!

So, what was radiation treatment like? Well, they fashioned a plastic mask that strapped me down to a plank, then they would leave the room, and I would lay there while a big disc rotated around my head and neck zapping radiation into my body. The first side effect that I experienced was mouth sores. I had water blisters pop up any time I ate. Then, my mouth became very dry and eating was too difficult to enjoy. It got worse when my throat became raw. The red burns on my face and neck were just glimpses of the burning that was going on inside my body. Any flavorful food on my throat felt like razorblades, and when my saliva glands started working, they would clog up and my mouth would break out into blisters again. Once I completely lost all taste, it was actually easier, because bland foods didn’t irritate me as much, and I didn’t mind eating bland foods. I just have to make sure they’re moist, so I can get it from my mouth to my stomach. You’d be surprised how challenging it is to eat when your saliva is barely there, and more like a thick paste coating the tongue.

I had been using food as a coping mechanism basically since Christmas. Facing a dangerous surgery, learning that I have cancer, and then hearing about how difficult radiation would be, I basically treated myself to eating anything I wanted whenever I wanted it. I gained back the weight I had lost post pregnancy, and basically hated getting dressed because none of my clothes were fitting me right. Which might explain why I sort of quit posting outfit shots here, eh? Once I lost my taste and ability to enjoy food, it really forced me to look at how I was treating food. I became depressed because I JUST WANTED A DAMN COOKIE! But eating a cookie when your mouth is like the Sahara Desert, and your taste buds are hibernating… well, it’s just not really eating a cookie. And nothing can be more frustrating to a stress-eater!

Basically, I barely ate anything for about a week, and that resulted in me feeling even worse. My energy plummeted, and all I wanted to do was lay in bed and sleep. Somebody wake me up in 5 months when I’m back to my normal self, I thought. Since the nurses warned my family that I would be very tired and would need lots of rest, they all pitched in and helped me rest. I laid around feeling awful and sad, sipping on my stinky Boost very high calorie drinks. When suddenly I decided enough was ENOUGH! I need to take this opportunity to start eating completely clean, as difficult as it is to eat real food, and give my body the best food I have access to. And, imagine this, as soon as I changed my diet, I began feeling great! I learned what not to eat in order to keep my mouth from breaking out into blisters, and even got enough energy to start exercising! During radiation! The people at the hospital literally thought I was joking when I told them I had begun to get up early every day before treatment and exercise.

Well, now I’m finished with radiation, and in three months I should be back to my normal self! And my scans showed that there is no more cancer in my body- so it looks like we caught the bugger just in time to save my life! I’m so full of joy, and after a lot of introspection, I have definitely settled at a point where I’ve reevaluated my life and know where I’m going from here.

I need to start living differently.

After discovering how amazing my body felt when I treated it properly, I’ve become obsessed with eating clean and exercising my body. I guess when you get cancer at such a young age, it really shocks you with the realization that you are not invincible. And when you pollute your body frequently (as I did) and neglect exercising your body (as I had been doing since I graduated college), you really don’t stand a chance. Life is too short to spend it in hospitals as I have been doing for the past several months. And life is too short to hate the way you look and feel in clothes! (…or out of clothes, for that matter!) I know I talk a lot about body confidence, and I still stand by the things I’ve said. You can be confident in your body no matter its size. But I had to face the truth that I was thirty pounds overweight (when did that happen?!), at risk for heart problems, and because I was neglecting my body, I really was starting to become ashamed of it. That started taking its toll on me emotionally, and also in respect to how I allow my husband to love me and my body. Not good.

So! You guys, I am making a major life change, and will definitely be investing more time into taking care of my body and preparing well balanced, healthy meals. I won’t barrage you with everything to do with it here, but if you want to follow along with my journey to get healthy and lose weight, you can follow me on My Fitness Pal (my SN is MandiMakes) and follow my Tumbler called Mandi Makes Progress. My Fitness Pal is so great, because I can set my calorie goal, and then make sure all of the calories I’m eating are fulfilling all of my body’s nutritional requirements. I have target percentages for carbs, fats, and proteins, and also make sure I’m getting enough nutrients like iron and potassium- easily seen in the charts that are updated as you add your food for the day. It was a lot of hassle at first, but I’m making it a habit, and since it saves the food I frequently eat, it’s became much more convenient to use. As far as my Tumblr blog goes, I’ll be posting my before and after pictures as I progress (first set will appear on the first of July, since that will be a month since I began the change), inspirational photos (basically before/afters for weight loss, and healthy looking fit bodies), healthy meal and treat ideas, and inspirational quotes (I used to hate those, but sometimes they really do help motivate me!).

Oh, and guess what?! Lucy is growing up so fast! She’s nine months old! Life is changing pretty quickly around here!

As the shocking news of the Boston Marathon bombing filtered through social media, so did the criticisms for those who continued tweeting and blogging as if nothing had happened. Some were outraged at the insensitivities, while others were ready to give the benefit of the doubt. Maybe they haven’t heard the news? But soon it was inescapable. Everyone on social media must have head about it, and while many people were struck with the urge to go hug their brothers, unplug from the internet, and take time out to just enjoy being alive, there were countless other people who had to return to work. They wondered when it would again become appropriate to tweet about the mundane sales their shop was offering, or share photos promoting their recent blog post. For those who were close to the tragedy, whether they were Bostonians, marathon runners, or they were actually there when it happened, the readiness to return to normal activities might take a long time to happen. Perhaps things will never seem the same, though gradually a sense of normalcy might return, and it happens at different times for different people.

Those who have lost loved ones in senseless tragedies like the Boston Marathon bombing and the Sandy Hook shootings will always look at the world differently, and will struggle with anger or impatience for people who chronically complain about the silly things, or #firstworldproblems, like a sniffly nose or a husband’s lack of interest in closing cabinet doors after opening them. While I haven’t been closely involved in a tragedy, I have been diagnosed with cancer and struggle with the same disconnect from the otherwise healthy and blessed community I’m surrounded by. Sniffly noses and lazy husbands? My reaction is usually not empathetic. I usually think that one should be grateful for the breath that sniffs a runny nose and for the fact that a husband is still around to forget about closing cupboard doors. But if I’m honest with my feelings, this judgmental attitude isn’t a more evolved way of looking at life. It’s a peculiar mix of a gratefulness for life and a jealousy for those whose problems are smaller than my own. I’m quite certain, though, that anyone who goes through hard times, or witnesses them via the media, has probably experienced similar feelings.

There seems to be an unknown timeline for tragedies. The public is expected to limit and consider what they say on Twitter or Facebook in the light of horrific events. Maybe they should stay silent and disconnect from social media altogether. But for how long? How long do you disconnect from the day-to-day activities that had been a part of your everyday life? And how long do you look at the world with a different perspective forced upon you by an unexpected act of violence or a terrifying medical diagnosis? The answer is different for everyone. For some people it’s just a brief moment. For others, it may be the rest of their lives. We all have a different timeline, and I’m still trying to figure out my own.

Do you remember how you felt when you read about the Boston Marathon bombing, and then scrolled through Twitter to see people still complaining about being stuck in traffic or posting ridiculous selfies taken in their bathroom mirror? Did it strike you as disrespectful and trite? When did you decide that it was okay for people to start sharing the parts of their lives that had seemed insignificant after the tragedy had struck? There are people in parts of the world that experience tragedy every day. When do they decide it’s appropriate to enjoy and partake in the meaningless details of life after their child dies, or a neighbor is shot down in the street? Should we all live our lives every day in awareness of the fragility of life, or would it cripple our ability to enjoy it? These are all the questions that many Americans were contemplating after the bombing, and they’re questions I’ve been grappling with ever since I prepared for my surgery in March.

I have been given a new perspective on life, only it hasn’t faded away with media coverage. If I forget for a moment that I have cancer, I’m reminded when I wake up in the morning and drive an hour for my radiation therapy. Or maybe I’m reminded when I glance at my mounting hospital bills, or see a missed call from the hospital. How do I continue living my life, washing the dishes, taking out the trash, and tweeting about shoes, when I’m now aware, 24-7, of the fragility of my life and the urgency to hold close my family and friends? When do I start regularly blogging again? When will I even care about regularly blogging again? I’ve been considering the timeline for my own little tragedy. I have been keeping an upbeat spirit, but have yet to figure out how to reconcile my new perspective on life with the realities of my life as it was before my health problems arose. I do enjoy doing crafts. I really love sharing fashion insights. Sure, those are meaningless things, but they add some excitement and joy to my life, so I’ll definitely be indulging in them once again. But at the same time, I have gained a fresh perspective on life in general, and I certainly feel it permeating every aspect of my mind and body’s activities. I’d like to do more with this space than just adding to the clutter of the internet. So now I just need to figure out how my own personal timeline will unfold.

Last night I had a dream, and when I woke up, I remembered it vividly. I was accurately telling someone, “Only 1 in 100,000 people have this kind of tumor, and only 5% of them are malignant. So what are the odds that my tumor is malignant? Miniscule. But mine is. And so I can only believe that I am going through this for a reason.”

On Monday I got the stitches out from my Paraganglioma surgery and also learned that the tumor had metastasized to the surrounded lymph nodes (which had been removed during surgery) and is classified as malignant. I’ll be going to see an oncologist to have further scans done to see if the Paraganglioma has metastasized to any other areas of my body, and also to discuss radiation treatment which I’ll probably be undergoing next month. Like I was explaining in my dream, these are so rare, there’s not many examples of how patients with cancerous Paragangliomas have responded to various treatment, but we think the outlook is pretty good, and I’ve already had my surgery, so at least I don’t have that to be worried about any more.

It’s funny how life works, though. On Monday, while everyone else was playing April Fool’s jokes on each other, I was staring at my grandma laying in her casket and contemplating how to tell my family I have cancer as we all gathered together after Grandma’s unexpected death. I just wanted someone to shout “April Fools!” and for Grandma to sit up in her coffin and for me to not have cancer any more. Though really, in the midst of it all, I definitely felt the peace of God and the prayers of so many people who love me. I just feel hope, and an urgency to live out and enjoy my life with Phil and little Lucy. Like I said before, not one day is guaranteed to any of us, and stepping into a car to drive down the highway is often more dangerous than facing disease or surgery. Not that we should live life with the gloomy expectation of death, but we shouldn’t waste a day, or put our hope in materialistic nonsense. Tragedy and sickness are never welcome, but the realizations they bring about certainly are!

I’m feeling pretty good about things now. The worst part is telling people, and I often feel the urge to comfort those I tell, and assure them that I will be alright. I’m sure radiation will be a low point in my life, but I’m thankful for the healthcare I can receive, and for all of my family and friends who will be around to help. Things might not be as busy with this blog, because there are only so many hours in a day, and I’d like to reevaluate how to use them, and how much time I spend working on things for very little financial compensation. Little Lucy is in the other room whining for me right now, so I think I’ll go snuggle with her for a bit and thank God for the blessings he’s given me!

top photo: Andrew Junge, Pandora’s Box #13, 2009