Each morning I would struggle to open my dresser drawers, jammed full with years of holey tights and skimpy swimsuits, until one day I had finally had enough. I pulled out all of the drawers and decided not to put them back again until I went through the contents of each one and refilled the drawers with only what was loved, in good shape, and in the right size. Of course, the drawers sat around on our bedroom floor for about a month until I had finally tackled the daunting task of carefully organizing each one. You guys- there were swimsuits I hadn’t worn since high school! Talk about a waste of space. But now that my dresser is thoughtfully filled with only what I need? I don’t need to take a walk down memory lane when I open a drawer- all I have to do is grab exactly what I’m looking for. Whew!

Before I was diagnosed with cancer earlier this Spring, I definitely felt like my life was just like my dresser drawers- overstuffed with accumulated responsibilities and confused priorities. I didn’t know that’s how I felt at the time- until everything fell apart. I thought I was happy trying to do it all- because I thought that was what I should want. But in actuality, the huge expectations I had heaped on myself to do more, experience more, make everything beautiful, travel more, blog more, socialize more, work more, do more creative work, and make everyone happy in the meantime- it was all just slowly chipping away at my joy and making me feel like a failure. Somehow I had no idea that my life was getting too full and complicated. Part of it was just not coping well with life changes that happen with new motherhood and a bit of a quarter life crisis. Another major aspect that led to my tipping point was that my twenties were throwing all of their big changes and challenges at me all at once. And I was refusing to deal with it. A miscarriage, a new mortgage, almost certain unemployment for Phil, a brand new colicky baby, two knee surgeries for Phil, a scary life-threatening surgery for me, a cancer diagnosis, never ending work on our new house, and never enough time or money.

It’s a little difficult, as a contemplative person and a fluid thinker, to ever be at peace when life gets messy. My thoughts were a scary mess that I ignored until I was left alone with them at night- unable to rest, and unable to quiet my mind. I felt like I was juggling all of these responsibilities, fears, and legitimate concerns, but my arms were getting tired. I knew one of those balls I was juggling would fall to the ground, and instead of feeling relief at letting them go, I was freaking out about losing my sense of control. I finally came to the realization that I had been trying to ground myself, through sickness and life changes, by engaging in fulfilling work. But I wasn’t making much money at it, and so it just added more stress by taking away time that I needed to spend elsewhere- like with my family, or even just keeping my house reasonably clean and my body moderately nourished. I realized that what I thought of as “grounding myself,” was actually just distracting me from things that had been building up and needed to be dealt with immediately. So when I got that cancer diagnosis, and I started an exhausting two-month round of radiation treatment, I just let it all go. Not because I wanted to, but because I had to. Either way, it was a good thing that it happened.

During radiation, I couldn’t do much of anything, much less even consider doing everything. Everyone in my life expected me to just quit everything and rest. Thank God. So that’s what I did. And that’s when I realized how happy I am when I’m resting and feeding my soul with loving people and zero expectations. I worked on creative projects that I didn’t share on my blog or social media. No expectations, no worries about what people would think. I went days without even logging onto the internet, and I let my e-mail inbox go ignored. Without even worrying about it! I was so refreshed and amazed at how great it felt to just let it all go. I started taking time to just focus on me. My fears. My life. My body. And my health- mental, physical, and spiritual health.

When I first started feeling sick and realized I had lost all control, at first I freaked out. It was scary feeling at the mercy of life- of cancer, of school levies (for Phil’s job security), of oncologists, and of the innumerable uncertainties of living in a broken world. I started thinking fatalistic thoughts about how uncertain all of life is- about how Phil could even die in a car wreck on the way home from school, and I would just sob thinking about losing him. It was debilitating. But I started praying more. Searching my soul, and letting God work in my heart. It doesn’t make sense until it happens. It’s like something clicks. I began to shift my perspective. No, I can’t control what happens tomorrow, but what is something I can count on? The sun still rises in the morning, the rain still falls. God sends his peace when I ask for it, and I feel grounded by the things that are actually important. I discovered that my quest to control everything, my being too busy, and my feeling like I needed to do more was all just keeping me from enjoying life. I didn’t want to feel exhausted after making it through another day and another to-do list. I didn’t want to keep looking at my list of goals and just feel relieved that I was one day closer to reaching them. I didn’t want to obsess over things that I would someday have or achieve. I needed to live life now. Enjoy what I have now. Love the people I have in my life now. Because we really can’t control what happens tomorrow. Or even if there will be a tomorrow.

After all that I’ve gone through in the past year or so, it would be easy to just look back on it all with a scowl and a breath of relief that it’s all over. But I don’t want to continue through life making the same mistakes over again. I don’t have an imminent fear of dying like I did when I first learned I had cancer. But I still want to live life with an urgency to enjoy the day to day, and not fall back into the rat race of controlling everything and losing life to busyness. So instead of letting all of life’s stresses fill up in my life again, I decided some cleaning out was in order. I mentioned once before that after my radiation treatment was over, I wasn’t sure how to get back to life. I wasn’t sure what was important, or what I even cared about any more. So now that I’ve come out of that two month stretch of not doing much, instead of picking it all back up again and trying to juggle all of the roles and responsibilities I had been juggling before, I’ve been analyzing what I want to let back into my life, and what I should probably set aside for now, or maybe forever.

Before I lost control and had my minor meltdown, I had built a persona for myself, fueled by the unwitting encouragement of those around me, that was just growing to encompass more and more things, and causing more and more stress. Designer. Photographer. Blogger. Vintage shop “owner.” Mother. Fashionista. Chef. Friend. Hostess with the mostest. Dutiful daughter. The list goes on. And it’s all just too much to juggle. I love all of these things, but I need to figure out how they all fit into my life. What time do I have to give to each one, and when is it time to just let that role expire? I’m sort of learning that after all of the balls you’ve been juggling fall down, you have to start again with just one at a time. And then figure out a new rhythm that works.

The most important things to me right now are making connections with people, helping provide for my family’s needs, and enjoying life-enriching experiences. If I’m spending time or energy on something that doesn’t fit into this criteria, and I begin to wonder why I’m doing it, I’m just going to stop. That might seem like common sense, but for an overworked, ambitious people-pleaser? It’s so difficult to cut it out and just be real with myself about what is actually important. I’m committed to not feeling like a failure for quitting something that I don’t enjoy or that’s taking up too much of my precious time. I won’t feel like a bad friend for needing to stay home and rest. And I won’t feel deprived when I don’t have the possessions I thought I wanted or needed, because spending time with my family is more important than buying things for them. Oh the pep talks I will need to give myself. And oh, the times when life’s stresses will remind me all over again for my need to simplify and bring my worries to God. It’s a process. And maybe you knew that already. But me? I’m just begin to figure it all out.

photos by Churchill Photography

The year I started art school at Akron was the very same year the Akron Art Museum‘s awe-inspiring renovation was completed. We were all pretty excited about it, and didn’t even begrudge our professors for assigning us trips to visit, or even assigning papers about the art we viewed. But… then I graduated school, and suddenly nobody was forcing me to go out and do these great cultural things, so I got lazy and hung out at wine bars, bowling alleys, and local bands’ shows for my cultural experiences.

I hadn’t been to the Akron Art Museum since my college days until Phil and I were invited to attend the digital media tour for their new exhibition on loan from the Whitney Museum of American Art: Real/Surreal.

The Real/Surreal exhibit features American realist and surrealist art, a lot of the time blurring the lines between the two. The collection of sixty paintings, drawings, prints, and photographs feature artists like Edward Hopper, who is famous for realistic rural scenes, and Man Ray whose work La Fortune really tickled my imagination. Phil and I were both blown away by the exhibition, from the detail of some pieces, to the eeriness of others.

If you are ever in the Akron, Ohio area, or just passing through, you should really stop in and pay the Akron Art Museum a visit! They house a couple of my favorites works in their permanent collection, like Chuck Closes’s Linda and Alvin Loving’s untitled textile art. Browsing the gallery is a great experience, and truly, the architecture of the addition is worth the trip alone! The Real/Surreal exhibit closes on November 3rd, so don’t miss it!

O U T F I T D E T A I L S :

In case you were wondering, I’m wearing: Nine West shoes, ASOS bodysuit (similar here), thrifted shorts, thrifted purse, and vintage hat from What Ezekiel Saw on Etsy

I’ve had so many new things happening in my life these days, and posting here at my beloved, albeit neglected, blog is always the first thing to get axed from my never ending to-do-list. If you miss me even an iota as much as I miss you, you can always see what I’m up to elsewhere on the world wide web of intrigue.

I got a new gig posting at Disney’s Babble! I’ll be sharing style tips, talk about trends, and posting style DIYs and tutorials. My latest post shows you how to tie a headscarf like you see in the image above, but you can check out all of my posts right here.

You guys, I’ve fallen head over heels for Instagram! Ever since I got an iPod touch, I’ve been loving connecting in this new (to me) way, and leaving my actual camera at home most of the time. I’ve been doing lots of fun things in my spare time, but haven’t decided how much of my personal life to share on this blog, or mainly just how much you all are even interested in seeing that kind of stuff. Thoughts? I’m not sure if my Instagram has replaced personal life posts on my blog, or if I should share some of that here. Oh, decisions, decisions! SO many decisions to make in life these days.

I’ll be back soon to share some outfits, recipes, and inspiration just like the old days, I promise!