A Personal Update

After eagerly waiting to share the responsibilities of parenting for the first time, Phil and I took the first bitter steps on Friday when with our first act as as a father and mother, we each signed burial papers for our 8-week-old child. Ten days earlier, I was excitedly staring at maternity sewing patterns when my body began to change in some pretty terrifying ways. My fears began controlling my mind, and I was unable to think about anything else. I searched for hope, but morbidly wondered if I should be coming to terms with the idea that this pregnancy might be ending sooner than either Phil and I were prepared for.

The week leading up to my miscarriage was the worst part of it all. As much as friends tried to encourage me with hope for a healthy baby, each day I was bleeding more and more, and when the cramping started, I began grieving for the child that hadn’t even developed into a fetus. I searched my heart for the source of my grieving. Was I upset because my plans had been thwarted? Was I being selfish in my feelings? Was I considering God’s plan for my life and Phil’s feelings as much as my own? I tried reminding myself that it was better for this to happen now than to experience complications later on. I remembered that 20% of pregnant women experience similar feelings of loss. But I felt so alone.

Dealing with the unexpected loss of a friend the very same day I began the physically and emotionally painful miscarriage, I was experiencing conflicting and compounding feelings of loss and grief. It was difficult to sort through my feelings on both of these situations, so I just stayed in bed alone for days until finally calling my mom to tell her what we feared was probably happening. She took me to the doctor where they diagnosed an incomplete miscarriage and told me that my body was having difficulty letting go of the dead embryo. During the next few days I would be in for much more pain and bleeding. I didn’t know if I could emotionally deal with this, but what was worrying me even more is that in twenty-four hours I was supposed to be donning a bridesmaid dress and standing up with my best friend for her marriage vows.

Enter a whole new wave of emotional distress. I envisioned myself doubling over and dripping blood at the front of the church, ruining Dani’s perfect wedding day. I felt like I was letting people down and throwing a wrench into the spokes of everyone else’s lives. I guess these feelings aren’t exactly healthy, but I think they are natural for people-pleasers like myself. So, my doctor advised me that if I wanted to move on with my life, the best option would be to have a D&C at the hospital that same day. By 3 o’clock I was laying in a hospital bed, cramping and agitated with the IV in my arm. Phil was by my side, and I think this was the first moment it really hit him that we we losing the baby. I felt worse for him than myself at that moment. For me? I was just relieved that I could quit wondering and questioning every feeling in my body. Dani was finding someone else to wear my bridesmaid dress and assured me that I shouldn’t worry about missing the wedding. I felt like I could finally move on.

But another shock came when the hospital’s doctor warned me that 8% of women who receive D&C procedures develop Ashermna’s and suffer from infertility. I was all ready for this surgery and thought this would be the best way to move on. But infertility? The prospect brought on a a whole new wave of fears. I didn’t know this was a possible outcome. But I went on with the D&C anyway. Now I wonder if this was the right decision or not. But only time will tell.

Before this week, I never knew so many of my family and friends have been grieving privately for their very personal loss. Women don’t talk about miscarriage for many reasons. For me, I don’t think I will be able to phsyically talk about this experience because of the tears that choke my voice- which is why I feel the need to write about it here. I felt so alone during this process. Like there was nobody I could talk to about my fears. And I also felt the pressure to keep this a secret, like there’s some kind of rule that women who have miscarriages ought to keep quiet about it so that nobody around them is made to feel uncomfortable. Many women wait until they make it into their first trimester before even sharing the news of their pregnancy. However, I was so excited, I told a lot of my family and friends when I was around 5 weeks along. This is something I don’t regret doing, as they might not even slightly understand the loss I am feeling if they hadn’t shared in the joy of our pregnancy. And for my healing, I need to let go of feelings of guilt for just resting physically and emotionally. I have withdrawn socially, and always feel this weird guilt when I do that. But knowing that my friends are aware of what is going on makes me feel like I can finally rest without worrying right now.

Today is the calling hours for my friend who took her life last Thursday. I don’t know if I will even be able to go, and this saddens me too. When will I be able to get back to day-to-day life? I’m scared of complicating my recovery and losing the ability to carry children in the future. I’m worried about socially reintegrating after dealing with so much grief in one week.

As far as how Phil and I are doing emotionally, we are very sad, but also hopeful. We believe that God has a plan for our lives and that he will work through whatever comes our way. I told Phil, “We are stronger today than we were yesterday.” I suppose losing friends and children is a part of adult life. I just didn’t think it would start so soon. So, right now I’m just figuring out how to get back to life and reengage with the things and people I love.

I’m hoping that sharing this with you readers will help ease some of my anxiety with feeling the need to do too much too soon. I’m hoping sharing this will help someone else who is dealing with similar loss with suicide and miscarriage. I hope that women who miscarry don’t feel like they have to hide in shame and grieve silently.

Thank you for all of your e-mails and messages. I’m sorry for the loss you have also experienced, and know that sharing our stories will help us grow stronger and move on.

124 Responses

  1. Becky says:

    You beautiful, brave woman. This is choking. I hope you found some catharsis on unleashing a little of the pain in this–sometimes writing is the only way to begin those very first steps of healing. I admire you so much for being so candid and it truly, truly is a testament to your strength. You’re in my thoughts–you, Phil and the future that you will no doubt see the better of the stronger you are becoming. x

  2. nicole says:

    i give you an -internet hug-
    hang in there…

  3. oh mandi – my heart is breaking for you. i know too well what you are going through and you are right – it is an isolating experience. I hope it will offer a bit of consolation that I went through a d&c with a 14-week embryo (my body reacted much like yours to the miscarriage) and I went on to have a healthy baby girl less than year later. Take care of yourself, sweetie.

  4. LA says:

    You are brave and even in your weakest moment, you have strength and eventually, when you are ready, it will show up and help lift you up. You are such a sweet soul to be worrying about others right now but let us all worry about you and you can be taken care of. I’ve haven’t experienced what you’ve gone through but I have two friends who have and from watching them, I can promise you, you will get through this and you will smile again in time. The odds are VERY low that you’ll be infertile and I will pray that you have little feet and hands in your future. Thank you for sharing your story, I think you’ve probably helped a lot of woman now and in the future. You are so special.
    Lots of love and care,
    Leigh-Ann

  5. Dana says:

    My heart is breaking for you and Phil. Big hugs to you both as you grieve and heal through your loss.

  6. Katja says:

    i don’t think any comment in the world could take the pain off your heart. but somehow i think i understand what you’re going through and just wanted to leave you a supporting comment.
    i hope you and your family feel better someday.
    and for your friend… i think she will understand if you don’t go today. don’t go if you think it will hurt too much! she knows you love her.
    lots of love to you!

  7. Heather says:

    I don’t know if I can find the exact words that I want to convey how deeply sorry I am for you and Phil, not just in the loss of your child, but also your friend. I prayed for you last night and will continue to pray for you and Phil. I don’t know your beliefs, but I believe that God is always with us, even in the darkest of times. Believing that has a way of making me feel less alone. Sending you lots of love.

  8. teeny says:

    Hello. I follow your blog but tend not to comment. This post touched me deeply though and it is impossible for me not to say something. The feelings of loss you have a so very valid and real. Please grieve and ponder and take time with yourself….eventually things will feel different.
    I had a D & C and have had two children.
    I don’t know you, but my love and thoughts with you and your partner this day.
    xx

  9. racheldenbow says:

    Mandi,
    I’m so sorry you have been feeling alone and anxious. It’s so hard to reach out when you’re in a position of grief but I’m so glad to read this post to know more of what’s going on and how you’re doing. I’ve been thinking of you every day and wondering in what way I could help without being the wrong person or saying the wrong thing.
    I’d love to send you something if you don’t mind sending me your mailing address. You can e-mail it to me if you’d like but only if you are feeling like it. It’s you’re right to use this time in the following days and weeks to take only what you need and let others pick up the slack or fill in where you can’t. I think it’s one of the ways your friends and family will feel like they’re able to contribute to your healing.
    My heart is heavy for you and Phil. Even though Brett and I suffered a miscarriage and can appreciate that kind of sorrow, each of us have a unique experience and a unique pain. I wish I could come over and sit with you and maybe watch old movies together while your body rests. You’re in my heart.

  10. Thank you so much for sharing. That is a difficult thing to open up about, and I’m really glad you did. I shall pray that you and Phil will be blessed again in the future when your body has healed up. Your emotions will always reflect on the loss of your loved baby, and that is a good thing. There is a definite time for mourning, and now many people are mourning with you.

  11. Lindsey says:

    I don’t know that I have ever commented before, I am from Canton and have followed your blog for awhile now! I know all too well what you are going through. It is tough and isolating. People who have no experience with it say hurtful things while trying to be comforting. Hang in there. It gets better, but it takes some time. A big hug to you! Take care!

  12. Cheryl says:

    I just want to say that I will be praying for healing for you and Phil.

  13. jessica says:

    I am so sorry Mandi. Unfortunately I had to have a D&C as well, but ended up having a beautiful baby boy about 1 year later! I will definitely keep you in my prayers even though I have never met you in real life and probably never will. There are a lot of ladies out here that feel parts and pieces of your pain and we all love you! We’re all one big support group!
    Best wishes for a speedy recovery
    Jessica

  14. Kate says:

    I didn’t feel I could read this without commenting and saying how sorry I am to hear your news. Love and hugs. Kate xoxox

  15. B says:

    Thank you for this post. I experienced a miscarriage two months ago and felt very similar to how you’re feeling. I felt so isolated. I am now pregnant again (only about 5 weeks along) but am feeling very hopeful. Your post really does help shed a light on what many women feel ashamed about while we should be open in communicating our feelings about this very common occurrence.

  16. gemma says:

    my third grade teacher wore a necklace with 6 stones on it. when we asked her what they were for, she said they were her babies birthstones- 5 boys, 1 girl. we all knew she only had sons, but she had this really sad look on her face when she said she’d had a baby girl, but it miscarried. i think that was the only time i’ve ever seen anyone act truly sad about their miscarriage. people are very quiet about, but its so sad and so tragic. thank you for being so open and i’m so so so sorry to hear about both losses. you are very brave, and incredibly inspiring on a daily basis. beautiful lady, things can only get better.
    sending shipfuls of prayers to your family love,
    gemma

  17. Ashley says:

    So sorry Mandi. Let me know if you need anything or someone to talk to. Hope each day gets a little easier.

  18. elizabetht says:

    oh mandi, i’m so, so sorry that you’ve had to deal with so much incomprehensible sadness all at once. your strength and grace shines through your words. sending love and hope and healing thoughts to you and phil.

  19. Aya says:

    There really isn’t true comfort to offer to someone going through these times… As I told you on Twitter, I’ve experienced a miscarriage too. It happened all in one night, and I felt as though I was losing all of my innards… the pain was tremendous, but the grief was far worse. That pregnancy wasn’t planned, but it placed such an ache in my heart and need of a child, we decided to have one purposely (and a year later we did)… I know I said it already, and it’s true – there is no comfort to offer, but I can promise that you will heal and your heart will mend one day. I hope that hearing that so many of us have experienced the same grief, that it will keep you from feeling alone.
    I think God has a plan for all children, even those who have not been birthed yet… I carried the baby I lost after visiting China, when I was smuggling bibles to Chinese preachers. She helped me carry those heavy books strapped to my back, and I believe she fulfilled her part here…
    Keep hope for future promises.
    Love,
    Aya

  20. Michal says:

    I am so sorry Mandi. I can’t imagine the pain that must come along with losing your child, although I do know the feeling of wanting to hole yourself away from people after a tremendous loss. it can be so hard. I lost two precious people to unforseen circumstances in the past year and it made it one of the hardest years I’ve ever lived so I at least know part of the sorrow you’re feeling right now. My prayers are with you and Phil.
    (Psalm 31 helped me)

  21. Sam says:

    So sorry for these losses, Mandi. I cannot even begin to imagine what you are experiencing, but it’s so brave of you to write about it here. The silence around miscarriage and suicide is indeed too great.
    My thoughts are with you and Phil. Please rest and take as much time as you need, in the knowledge that those who care about you know how important it is.
    Much love,
    S.

  22. Hannah B says:

    Hi Mandi,
    I’ve been a reader for a while now. I’m so incredibly sorry about your loss. You’re right; I don’t know why it’s taboo to talk about a miscarriage when it’s something that should be addressed and grieved properly. I understand your fear of never being able to carry a child because I have a low egg reserve and even though I’m only 25 my ovarian age is like I’m in my mid 30s. I wrote a post about this fear recently. But I want to encourage you to stay positive and believe that you’re going to be pregnant again. I’m believing for you! And again, I’m so very sorry that you are going through this. There’s nothing I can say to make it better but do know that you and Phil are in my heart and prayers.
    Ps. If you’re interested in reading the post I wrote about fear it’s here: http://belvederephotographyblog.com/waiting-for-grace-fear/ If you do read it, I hope it encourages you. :)

  23. Amanda says:

    Thank you for sharing something that so many women experience but can’t share. By opening up, you are helping to heal so many women, and hopefully yourself, in time.

  24. PepperReed says:

    As a newer reader, I was stunned as to what to comment upon hearing your grief over the loss of your friend, and now your baby. I am So, So very Sorry you are going through this; you are a lovely writer and I’m glad you are able to find some solace in writing about your experiences, however painful.
    As evidenced by the many comments, you are in the hearts and prayers of many, including myself. I pray that God’s Love and Grace are a comfort to you and your husband (and the family and friends of your friend who passed). Losing loved ones is an awful part of ‘growing up’, but know that the loss does get easier in time. Peace and Blessings be with you both.

  25. Kathy says:

    I am very very sorry for you and although we do not know each other and I’m far away in Germany: my thoughts go out to you, phil and all your friends who had such a bitter loss.
    I wish you all the best from the bottom of my heart!

  26. kim says:

    i am so so sorry for your losses mandi. My thoughts are with you and phil. I know that there isnt much anyone can say. Take care of yourself. lots of love and hugs, kim

  27. Casey says:

    Dearest Mandi,
    Although I have never experienced a miscarriage myself (my husband and I are hoping to start taking steps towards becoming parents very soon, so the though has crossed my mind), I have had more than a few dear friends who have had miscarriages or infertility problems. I still remember my first experience at 11 or so when a very sweet lady I knew at my church (and who also was my mentor) miscarried. I cried so much for her loss. I’m tearing up a bit now after reading your post, even though I only know you through your blog. Experiencing so much loss in such a short time is extremely hard on anyone. I too am a people pleaser and tend to feel guilty when I need to withdraw from things into order to rest and recover; but please do not feel this way. Your priority right now is you and Phil–take care of yourselves first and foremost! :)
    I hope you won’t take this amiss, but I will be praying for you. I have seen so many instances in my life of how healing and powerful prayer can be. :) May God give you grace for these moments of sorrow and blessings for the future.
    Hugs!

  28. Alli says:

    I’m so sorry, Mandi.
    xo

  29. Aisha says:

    Thank you so much for sharing. You and Phil are in my thoughts + prayers and although we have never met, I know that you are a light in this world that will continue to shine, no matter the circumstance.
    Love,
    Aisha

  30. Danielle says:

    Mandi, I am so sorry for your loss. Two of my girlfriends (who happen to be sister in laws) lost children within the same week. It is so heartbreaking and I wish there was something more comforting I could offer you, but I will say that both of them found a lot of solace by sharing on message boards on sites for mothers who have experienced miscarriage. It helps to alleviate that feeling that you are alone. You and your husband are in my thoughts.
    Danielle

  31. Sarah says:

    Mandi, I’m so sorry for you and Phil. I know this has to hurt something awful, but I do hope that when you’re ready and when God’s ready you’ll be able to carry to full term. I’ll be praying for you and your whole family. I hope that you can find some peace and comfort from all the people who love you. I’ll be praying for you and your husband, and that one day you’ll be able to try again. Love to you and Phil, Sarah

  32. Natalie Jean says:

    I’m not a crier. I’ve had a rough life so I’ve learnt to stonewall alot of pain that comes my way. But when I read this I balled my eyes out. I can’t imagine the pain you’re feeling, and I won’t pretend to either. I’ve come through some pretty hard times and all I can say is there’s always a light at the end of the tunnel, as cliche’ as that sounds. Thank you for sharing your story and breaking the taboo of silence when it comes to delicate issues such as this. All the best for the future

  33. oh how my heart aches for you. please know you have lots of love and encouragement and healthy thoughts being sent your way.
    there is so much power in truth…you are the bravest!
    love to you from dayton,

  34. Lindsay says:

    you are truly a strong and courageous woman, mandi. it shines through your writing and even though i don’t know you, i feel so deeply for you. i want to share this quote with you that has helped me heal after a recent significant loss: “The lives of those who have suffered the greatest tragedy shine with the greatest brilliance.” — Daisaku Ikeda
    sending so much love your way,
    lindsay

  35. Sealicious says:

    I am so sorry for all of your losses. Please just take care of yourself however you need to.(I am a people pleaser too, and know that the guilt we impose onselves can make things twice as bad sometimes!)
    It sounds like you are blessed with the most wonderful friends and family who can support you and give you all the time and love you need.

  36. Lisa says:

    love and peace
    forever and always
    xx

  37. Kamaile says:

    Thinking of you.

  38. Christina says:

    Keep looking to God through all of this and know that you will meet that sweet baby one day on the other side…prayers for you both.

  39. k says:

    I’ve been there after a miscarriage @ seven weeks. The thing that helped me the most was giving closure with a little ceremony and knowing that my experience would allow me to help other women who are going through similar things. When you feel like the grief is swallowing you, just remember that it’ll allow you to experience deeper joy when you’ve made it through the tough times.
    You’re a beautiful, capable and intelligent woman and you’ll make a wonderful mom. Just keep reminding yourself!

  40. Michelle says:

    Tears reading this! sending lots of love your way! xoxoxo

  41. Melissa says:

    I have been reading your blog now for about a year, but I have never commented before. This post made me cry for you. I’m so sorry this happened to you. I had my own miscarriage last year in December at 10 weeks. Everything you said in this post made total sense to me. I had never felt so alone in all my life. It was hard for me to even talk with God. I felt like I couldn’t at first. My miscarriage was also extremely painful physically and I felt so much shame while it was happening. One thing that I felt really helped was seeing a counselor at my church. It felt so good to sit and tell every emotion and thought I was having to someone without feeling guilt of how it would make them feel.
    I learned so much through my experience and my husband and I are better parents because of it. Let yourself grieve in your own time. I think its wonderful that you are sharing your experience on here. It will help more people than you know. I shared my experience on my blog and I had so many women email me and tell me that they didn’t feel so alone anymore..and in those moments I was able to find some purpose to my pain. You will find a new normal and God bless you in this time of pain and healing.

  42. Tina says:

    I am so very sorry Amanda. I was worried about you from reading your last post but now I understand. You have to hold on to that hope you and phil have with all of your might, never let that go. I’ve had several friends who’ve gone through D&C’s and go on to have children, that I wouldn’t worry about. I’ll be praying for you.

  43. Rochelle says:

    I wish there was something I could say. I’m so very, very sorry.

  44. Becky W says:

    I don’t know if this sounds odd but this is one of the best blog posts I’ve ever read. I’m glad that you were able to put your grief into words as I am sure that it will be helpful and healing for you and for others going through such agony. Sending you a big virtual hug.xo

  45. Jenni says:

    It’s difficult to write a comment that doesn’t sound trite, but I really am terribly sorry about your loss. I can’t even begin to imagine what you’re going through, but there are a lot of people out there pulling for you and hoping things get better.

  46. you take all the time you need… we will be here when you get back with open arms & hugs – don’t ever worry we’ll forget about you, you can’t be replaced!! xoxo

  47. Cheryl G. says:

    I am so sorry. Really really sorry.
    Thoughts and prayers sent your way.

  48. you are loved, you are being prayed for, you are heard, you are felt and we are all grieving with you. thank you so much for sharing so honestly – you have touched so many women with this post.

  49. Kat says:

    You write so beautifully about something so painful and sad; I really hope you find some peace soon. You seem to have such a strong network of family and friends, and I’m sure that with time, everything will piece back together slowly. Thinking of you both x

  50. Susan says:

    I’m sorry for your loss. I’m a long time follower of your blog and wanted to say how I can’t imagine how you feel…take care

  51. Sarah says:

    I’m so sorry for your loss. My sister had several miscarriages while trying to conceive, and it was very hard on her. She also had the D&C procedure. Out of all that heartache though, she’s gone on to have 2 of the most outstanding children that ever lived. Your future is impossible to know, so try not to feel anxious about it. The past is impossible to change, so try not to dwell in sadness. Your present is full of possibilities, so try to focus on hope!

  52. bonita says:

    ~ * ? * ~
    I’m so sorry for your loss Mandi. I feel like any thing else I say will be so inadequate, so I’m sending my best wishes for the both of you and a big hug. Thinking of you.
    xox,
    bonita of Depict This!
    ~ * ? * ~

  53. maria says:

    Mandi,
    I am so sorry you have to go through all of this. I am thinking of you and I hope you find peace at the end of the tunnel…my heart is with you friend<3

  54. Jessica says:

    Thank you for sharing this.

  55. Kat says:

    Mandi,
    I am so sorry to hear of your losses especially at this time of year. My great grandmother who passed a year ago had 9 children.She had lost 5 of her children ( 1 passed from what we believe now would have been SIDS),1 grand child and 2 great grand children(one from miscarriage)before her passing. I am sharing this with you not to compare losses but to express that I truly believe that you will make it through this terrible time stronger and more courageous than before. I can’t even imagine the pain you must feel at this moment but I know that like my grandmother you will have a beautiful life filled with great memories. I am keeping you and your husband in my thoughts along with your family. I pray that your hearts heal and that you have many blessings to come <3

  56. appleparts says:

    You are brave is very beautiful. Every girl will say that the baby, maybe this happen will happen, but you are very brave write it out. With experience pain feelings. We all learn to strong face, adjust.

  57. elsie says:

    i’m so sorry you’ve had to go through this! sending love….

  58. kelly ann says:

    You are such a brave lady, Mandi. My heart breaks for you. I can’t imagine how tough and painful this must be, but I hope that through this, God sends you comfort and strength. Sometimes it’s so hard not being able to see God’s plan for us, or know what our future holds. But I do know that He holds our future in His hands… and it’s so tough for me to grasp that sometimes and really believe it, but it is true. He has your heart and your desires in His hands and He’s not going to let you & Phil go. He’s got you.
    You & your blog have inspired me, along with so many others, for such a long time – and I hope that by sharing this (so courageously), you find an outpouring of love and support that helps carry you through this. I’m praying for you – for healing, for peace, and for hope. Just remember… He’s got you. You are covered in His love. xo.

  59. Ariel says:

    So sorry this happened to you Mandy. Prayers sent your way. XO

  60. Kate says:

    Sweet friend, I will be praying for you and Phil. I wish I could give you a hug in person.
    -K

  61. Nicole says:

    I’m so sorry Mandi. You and Phil will be in my thoughts <3

  62. Martha says:

    So sorry you are going through this…and thank you for speaking up and talking about something that so many of us keep to ourselves. With each of my miscarriages, even though my husband was by my side and could not have been more supportive, I never felt more alone than I did during those times. Just reading you words brings tears as I am taken back to how dark those days were for me. I know I brought on much of that isolation myself by withdrawing from life to grieve the only way I knew how, you are so brave to write this post and you will be in my thoughts.

  63. Kelly Russo says:

    Mandi, thank you for sharing this. I have no words of wisdom, but I send positive thoughts out for you and Phil and for your friend.

  64. FaZenda says:

    you ARE brave.

  65. MrsWinC says:

    Long time listener, first time caller. I miscarried this time last year at ten weeks. I’m glad someone else feels like it was a loss of life, and not ‘just one of those things.’ No words will make it better but I hope in time you (me – we – every woman who has had a miscarriage) will find strength to move on. PS: Chocolate helps. As does crying – don’t let anyone tell you that you can’t cry.

  66. Jill says:

    Dear Mandi – I am so, so sorry for your losses. I can’t imagine what you and Phil are going through. Your open and gracious spirit with sharing this incredibly personal story is courageous and inspiring. Please know that you are touching people’s hearts right now. Making talking about miscarriage and suicide more OK. More accepted. More real. My thoughts and prayers are with you. What is, is. What will be, will be. And beauty is found in the places one least expects to find it. Take good, good care :)

  67. heyjenrenee says:

    oh gosh, much love to you, friend. I can’t imagine having all of these things on your plate, all at once. as heartbreaking as this post is, I hope it brings you a little bit of peace to be able to write it all out (without having to say it all out loud.) as you’re finding out, you are helping so many people by bravely sharing your story. don’t hurry yourself through the sadness and the healing … let it happen and don’t feel bad about it. you’re a tough cookie but I hope you’ll rest and take care of yourself and do what you need to do for you. for as long as it takes. sending huge hugs your way. xoxoxo.

  68. Liz says:

    I’ve never commented here before, but I want to tell you how moving this post was to me. I’m glad you were able to share, and I hope you will reach out as you deal with this. Friends, family, and even blog readers care and will help you to be okay. I’ll have you both in my thoughts. <3

  69. skunkboy says:

    Oh, sweet friend. I have no words. We will keep you and Phil in our prayers. xo.

  70. katrina says:

    dear mandi, i just read the last two posts and i am deeply sorry for your losses… please take care.

  71. One step at a time, one day at a time.
    Take care.

  72. Alex says:

    Everything you are feeling is completely normal. Be gentle with yourself and you will gradually heal. Love and hugs from someone you don’t know but who cares. <3

  73. Cristiana S. says:

    Dear Mandi, thank you for sharing your experience ;) I’m sure that God has a beautiful life plan for you and Phil. You are a special woman: funny, lovely very courageous. Be strong!!! You are not ALONE!
    Vi abbraccio forte, forte!

  74. Krystin says:

    Mandi, my heart is broken. Take this time to heal physically and emotionally. We’ll be here when you’re ready. You are such a strong and inspiring woman.
    Sending all my love to you and Phil.
    Krystin

  75. andrea says:

    *big hug* there’s nothing I can say really, but just think that when the time comes, your baby is going to be the most wanted one ever. xxx

  76. Nesha says:

    I’m so terrible sorry Mandi. I can’t image what you’re going through, but just know that things will be ok soon. Just keep moving forward :)

  77. Hannah says:

    Oh my gosh, Mandi. I’m sending you a huge huge virtual huge. I can’t even begin to imagine how hard this must be for you. Know that you have a huge support system for you & Phil (both real and online), and that you are in all of our thoughts.

  78. Dena says:

    Mandi –
    I am so sorry for your loses. My thoughts and prayers will be with you and Phil and your friend’s family and friends. Don’t think you have to get over this in a certain amount of time to make anyone else happy, do what is right for you.

  79. Julia says:

    I hope God grants you peace and healing quickly. There’s no rush to move on even if that means forgoing certain obligations. You need to take care of yourself! With prayer – Julia

  80. Anna says:

    Thank you for sharing and I’m so sorry for your loss. Know that you have people thinking of you, even though we haven’t met yet.

  81. I’m sorry for you loss! Heartbreaking! Wish you all the best!

  82. Hannah-Kate says:

    I’ve never commented, but I’m a long-time reader/follower. I just had to share this song, which was on the radio when I read your post. It’s wonderfully tragic, yet hopeful at the same time. Keep your head up! <3
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dyM2AnA96yE

  83. micah bailey says:

    Thank you for sharing your story. You don’t know how many women and families will be helped by your willingness to be vulnerable.
    You are a mother, had a baby, and your grief is absolutely necessary, it’s a healing mechanism that God has built into us as humans. Please don’t feel embarrassed or shamed for feeling the loss. Because He feels it just as much as you do and is absolutely able and so willing to walk with you through this. He is the ultimate healer, is Life, and the source of life.
    With Love,
    Micah

  84. Ulla says:

    Mandi, I can’t express how sorry I feel for you and Phil. Thank you for sharing these very private feelings, I can imagine how hard it must me for you to cope with the past events. Just be sure that after every dark period, there will be good times, so hang in there!
    Sending you all my love from Germany,
    Ulla

  85. Michelle e says:

    It breaks my heart to see your beautiful heart broken. I feel so honoured that you would share this with us. I hope that you will see how much you are loved by God and those around you, through these amazing comments, your family and friends.

  86. Floor says:

    I’m reading your blog for a while now, but I think I never commented. I just want to say that I hope that you will feel better soon. Love, Floor

  87. Mandi,
    My deepest sympathies to you and your husband. I pray that you will both find comfort during this difficult time. I am so sorry to hear about your friend as well. My cousin committed suicide four years ago and left our family with a lot of questions. I understand whole heartedly how you feel. From the looks of the comments from loyal blog readers, it seems you have a lot of support, as well as those in your life. Take care.
    ~Candi~

  88. Laura says:

    so sorry for both your losses! hopefully it’ll get easier as time goes by, dear! xo

  89. Leah says:

    Hang in there, girl.
    <3

  90. Michelle says:

    Sending lots of love and healing your way.

  91. Twiggy H. says:

    Mandi,
    I am so very sorry to read about your loss. Though we’ve never met ‘in real life’, it feels to me (and probably to many other readers) like you’re an old friend. You are so not alone and so many people love and support you and I know from your blog that you have a wonderful husband and dear family and friends who will no doubt be there for you during this difficult time. It was very brave of you to share this experience with your readers and I am sure many will be able to relate and will be comforted in knowing they, too, are not alone. I wish you all the best! XOXO
    ~twiggy h.

  92. Robin says:

    Take as much time as you need. I am so sorry for your loss.

  93. Kristen says:

    I know you’re getting so many comments and emails and you may not even read them all. But in case you do… please know how sorry I am for your losses. You are so strong. You inspire me daily. Know that there are so many people who go through those exact feelings. You are not alone. You have friends, family, and blog readers who care. If you ever need to talk about anything, you do it. Never feel guilty. I hope everything goes great for you. God will help you.
    xo kristen

  94. Katherine says:

    I’m so sorry to read about how painful and overwhelming your life has been lately! It’s weird in blog land because I feel as though I know you a little bit and I hope that you sharing what you are going through at the moment means that all your readers can take a little bit of your pain on and help you heal and get through this.
    Losing young friends is one of the hardest losses, I think, because you see so much for them and that feeling never goes away as you get older and have experiences that they will never have (trust me).
    But losing a baby, that would have to be the hardest of all. I’m so sorry for you loss and I hope that everything works itself out.
    Apparently we are never sent more than we can handle. You are one strong person and I don’t doubt that great things are coming your way.

  95. natasha says:

    i am truly sorry for you loss. sending you my warmest thoughts and best wishes for a quick recovery all the way from greece.
    n.

  96. ginella says:

    i am truly sorry for you and Phil..
    lots of love for you both..

  97. stephanie says:

    So sorry… here’s a french internet hug for both of you <3

  98. Kim says:

    Hi Mandi,
    I am so sorry sweetie. I am thinking of you both and your in my thoughts. The day will come and happen. We all support you and one day, as the days pass you will begin to feel a little bit like yourself. All these experiences in life and things we go through weave into us and are a part of us forever, they make us and I know you will get through this. Your strong and I am glad you find support in Phil, friends, family, and us! Take the time you need.
    Take care!

  99. JennyO says:

    I’m sorry for your loss. You are so brave to share this – it was hard enough for me to talk about when I had a miscarriage a few years ago, and that was only to friends and family, not the internet! I don’t know you other than as a reader of your blog but I am hoping the best for you right now.

  100. My heart breaks for you! You have such a strong spirit and I know with time you will get through this. Thank you for having the courage to share your story with us, even though we are total strangers, as I am sure it will help you in your healing process. Much love and hugs!

  101. janet c. says:

    sharing this with your online following is very generous, i have gone through this myself and felt shame in sharing, even with close loved ones. i truly hope you feel better soon, i send you my best wishes and prayers.

  102. Lisa W. says:

    hi,
    My name is Lisa…I have been following your blog for about a year or a bit less. I have never commented. I just enjoy your “spark”…your decor, in outfits as well as your home decor. Music to my heart. I just felt that i needed to write to you today.
    I am very sorry for your loss. I deeply mean this. Being a Mother of three, one can only imagine. I have suffered some great losses in the last few years. It is VERY very very hard to move on. AND not ask why??? A friend always says to me…”Bad things happen to good people” And so they do. I totally understand your emotional stand point right now. You must grieve, and rest your soul!!! It will always hurt, but it will get better. Take Carexo

  103. Ali says:

    So incredibly sorry! I can’t even begin to imagine the heartache. You and Phil are in my prayers. You are such a brave, strong, and beautiful woman! You’ll get through this and everything will work out for the both of you!
    <3 Ali

  104. What a brave post; you write so beautifully. I don’t have words to make this easier for you, but my thoughts are with you right now.

  105. shaina says:

    Prov. 17:17
    It is good that you shared, and take heart that all your “true companions” are here to support you, to listen, and to grieve with you.
    Thinking of you in this sad time.
    <3

  106. Agnes says:

    Honey, I feel so badly for you right now, I wish I had better words to express my empathy. I had two miscarriage and a high risk pregnancy that resulted in a special needs baby and you just don’t know where to turn when you are hurting so much. You loved and mothered that baby every minute that you shared with him and you will meet that little baby one day. My mother was on bed rest after a DNC that permanently hurt her for each and every one of us. All seven of us. You just never know how even the worst diagnosis will still allow for opportunities of courage and happiness. And thank you for speaking so publicly about miscarriage. It is such a forgotten, sad thing and I think you are a doing a wonderful thing for women and couples by talking out loud about it. xoxo

  107. genevieve says:

    I know I don’t know you but, for what it’s worth, I am so, so sorry for your loss. Your story is heartbreaking, and I wish you the best of luck in the days and weeks to come.
    Stay strong!

  108. I had 3 miscarriages.
    The first one was hard. The middle one was hard. The last one was hard.
    It’s not something you ever get used to and you are right….you feel so alone and the pressure to remain quiet is overwhelming. It just seems to make so many people uncomfortable.
    I had 2 D&C’s and Mandy, I have two beautiful children. My little boy is almost ready to celebrate his 6th birthday.
    I am not saying to you “well this happened but look at me now…..”
    I’m simply saying hold onto your hope.
    xx

  109. Jules says:

    Hi Mandi, bless you for your brave words, and courage to let us all know the dark times you have been having. Your words will give light and courage to others in similar dark places and i think all of us that follow you feel honoured that you shared with us. I know so many people having hard times at the moment, and it strikes me that really however many wonderful loving people surrounding you when you are having difficult times, we really all do go through them on our own, because no one else can really know what it feels like, or take the hurt away. You will come through to the other side, day by day you will move forward a tiny tiny step, and I know you have faith that this will happen, even though that faith alone sometimes is incredibly hard to find. Rest yourself mentally and emotionally and allow yourself to be number one at this time xxx Love, Light and Best wishes to you and Phil xx Jules

  110. Sabine says:

    Thinking of you during this difficult time.
    Much love.

  111. Alicia says:

    I am so sorry for your losses. I’ve been reading your blog for years and have always admired how strong, positive, and self-assured you seem (that, and your impeccable fashion sense). It seems you have a strong network of friends and family who love and care for you deeply (both on and offline), which is really important in times of grief. Take care of yourself, and never be afraid to talk to someone – family, a friend, minister, therapist, whomever. It really does help ease the pain.
    Sending you love and virtual hugs!

  112. Oh, Mandi! I’m so sorry to hear this. :( I’m sending you hugs and happy thoughts – your friend knows you care about her, whether you’re present or not, so I hope you close your eyes and let your worries wander away, and simply focus on taking care of yourself and hugging mister husband. Take care, hun!

  113. kelsterjean says:

    I know this post is late, but I just want to say I’m sorry for your loss. I have a dear friend at work that just went through her second miscarriage this year. There are no words, except each step closer to having a baby is more hope for the future. I hope the same applies to you and your future family.

  114. Patty says:

    Mandi,
    I am so sorry to hear about all that has been going in your life. As others have written, I to know many women who have went through what you have as well as getting the D&C and they all have went on to have families. You and Phil are gonna be wonderful parents, and all of this shall pass in time leaving memories. These are the things that make us stronger and what make us human.
    Thinking of you!
    love
    Patty

  115. Susanne says:

    So sorry to hear this news. Take care of yourself.

  116. Jacqueline F says:

    I’m so, so sorry to read this. I’ve gone through two early miscarriages, one at 6 weeks and one at 8 weeks, and it is a very lonely, sad road to walk down. Lean on Phil and your loved ones, and let yourself grieve. And try not to feel alone – I am continually surprised as I share my own stories and feelings about my miscarriages, just how many other women, young and old, have their own sad stories. It’s a mystery to me why we as women generally feel like we need to keep these tragedies a secret, but I am really grateful for your candid, graceful honesty. xox

  117. Maria says:

    I’ve never commented, but I’m a long-time follower. Thank you for sharing and for your words. Be brave and never stop believing. We should never stop believing in dreams!

  118. Thank you for sharing your story. I dearly hope that with the new year brings some new hope. Hold tight to your lovely boy and look after each other. There are a lot of people in the world thinking of you.

  119. Thank you for bravely sharing this.

  120. Liz says:

    Thank you for sharing this. I haven’t had a miscarriage, but I did experience extreme postpartum depression (another thing women don’t talk a lot about). I lost my ability to care for my baby, nearly lost my job, was admitted to the hospital. And afterward it was amazing how many women came quietly forward and said, “That happened to me.” Good for you for sharing this with others so they won’t feel quite as alone in their experience. I’ll be keeping you in my prayers.

  121. Elena Rosa says:

    I think you’re very strong to have shared your story. Thank you and God bless.

  122. Jenn V says:

    This is pretty late and you probably wont ever read it! I just wanted to thank you for sharing your story.
    I haven’t read your blog for about year or so (sorry!) When I read it today I learned that you are pregnant and immediately my heart sank because just two weeks ago I lost my little 7 week old baby. Every time I encounter a pregnant woman I have an instant sadness in my heart.
    But I am so encouraged that you are now pregnant and healthy, even so quickly after your miscarriage. I so looking forward to getting pregnant again soon and hopefully will be a happy as you are now! :)
    You have inspired me to post on my blog about it. Its really hard keeping everything a secret. Thanks!