Redeeming the Time
Two years ago I was a struggling blogger who wore many hats. Yes, I had a bit of an obsession with collecting vintage hats, but in a figurative sense, I was pulling myself in too many directions with lots of responsibilities and stress. I wanted to successfully monetize this blog, which meant planning and executing lots of projects and posts here; I was busy enough as a wedding photographer; I burned the midnight oil as a freelance graphic designer; I spent too much time sourcing, photographing, and selling vintage clothes; I started regularly contributing to a website called Babble— and doing it all with a brand new baby and a cancer diagnosis. People would ask me, “How do you do it all?” Or conversely, they would mention how great it must be to be a work-at-home-mom. My social life was plummeting and overall I was dealing with anxiety and the sense that each week was this unconquerable mountain that I would find myself at the top of every Sunday, only to begin climbing from the bottom again on Monday.
My friends looked forward to the weekend as a time to cut loose, while I looked forward to it at it as an extra time to get more work done. I hesitated to make any personal or social commitments, because I might need that time to finish a project or get some extra stuff done at home. But I did ease up on the pressure to blog as frequently here, since I finally had other steady work that provided the income we needed to stay afloat financially and consider sending Phil back to school to get his masters. Yes, I felt less pressure, but that pressure was still there.
My jobs shifted some as I stopped selling vintage, designing, and writing for Babble, but started writing for A Beautiful Mess and working at Starbucks. For the first time in our married life, we could afford to go out to eat guilt-free, be generous gift-givers, and make some needed updates to our home. It felt freeing in one way, but in another, I felt like our lives were turning into mostly work and very little play. Something had to give.
One day, as I sat at the computer obsessively editing photos and trying to write interesting, concise, and ultra informative copy for a DIY at A Beautiful Mess, Lucy stood at my feet, reaching her arms up at me, practically begging me to give her attention. I said, “Hold on, honey, mommy has to do some work.” Not even TV would distract her— she kept begging for me to pick her up, so I did, but I felt incredibly frustrated with her, because she was completely ruining my plans for productivity. I looked forward to the next day when she would be at my mom’s house while I could work all day, uninterrupted. And then it hit me— the mom guilt. The kind unique to moms who work at home, and perhaps are so obsessed with their work, that they find very little balance in their family and personal life. I realized I had been looking at my friendships and family life as a sort of obstacle to overcome so I could finish my work, put forth stupendous projects, and stay on schedule. Yes, I felt so happy to have a job I enjoyed, but I was allowing it to take a huge focus of my life, in the process putting the most important things in the back burner.
How did I get there? Why was I doing this to myself? I put so much of myself into my work that it was beginning to encompass all that I am— which I realized when I began discovering how much my emotional healthy was tied to how well my projects turned out or how well they were received. Not to mention if I really kept track of how I spent each hour of my day, most of them would revolve around work-related tasks or sleeping. I think I had the mentality that it would get better— that next month would be easier, that next season I could travel or do some fun things. But every month I would say the same thing. I realized it wouldn’t get any better unless I made a change.
I’ve finally come to terms with the fact that there are not enough hours in the day to be all of the things I want to be or do all of the things I want to do. There are not enough days in the week, and there are not enough weeks in the month. Everything is a give and take— and I need to decide what I want to give and what I want to take. If I don’t purposefully reorder my life, my life will keep reordering me. If I don’t put work in its place, anything that has a deadline will become the most important thing in my life, and I will wake up one day as an empty nester with nothing to show but an archive of blog posts.
While I don’t believe children should be the center of one’s life, I do think that they are pretty darn important. Children need time, love, affection, and we need it too! I love being with Lucy, and she loves being with me. We enrich each other’s lives immensely when we spend time together. I have this little girl who won’t be little for too much longer, and I think I’ve squandered a lot of my time with her because of the stress I put on myself to get things done, to be a better blogger, to be more physically fit, to make fine meals, to be the best at everything.
What have I learned? I’ve learned that I’m way too hard on myself. I wasn’t allowing myself to rest, because I always had something else on my to-do list that needed done at some point. (And it will always be that way.) I always had a project that could be improved in one way or another— a photo that might need reshot, lighting that wasn’t perfect, writing that could always be edited another time. I want to create the best work that I can and be the best I can be, in part to honor God, to be a reliable asset to any team I’m a part of, and to just feel good about myself. That sense of accomplishment and self-validation. But I can’t fire on all cylinders all of the time and still maintain a healthy life.
This fall I began to feel convicted about how I spent my time, but then one week it hit me hard. Every time I got in my car, I heard radio programs about redeeming the time. My usual podcasts talked about how important it is to enjoy life and not let work too big of a place in your life. Every time I met with a friend, they brought up time management. In one week I was completely barraged with messages about making the most of the time and relationships we’re given. It was a week that confirmed what I had been thinking and the changes I have been slowly making towards refocusing my life and redeeming the time.
I’m still in the midst of figuring out what this means for my life, but I’ve already begun to decline photography gigs, and as you may have noticed, I’ve been spending way less time on this blog. I just can’t justify lifestyle blogging when I’m too busy actually living my life or keeping up with commitments that pay the bills. And let’s be real— sometimes finding time to blog means getting less sleep, ignoring my family, getting behind on work, saying no to meeting up with a friend… or maybe just not watching another episode of Gilmore Girls. And right now, I need all of those other things more than I need to blog. Yes— I need a little Gilmore Girls in my life. Don’t we all?
If you’re also struggling with redeeming the time and prioritizing your life, I’d really like to recommend a book called Free by Mark and Lisa Scandrette. I really cannot recommend it enough! It has been hugely helpful in stepping back to remember the big picture of life. Work more so I can spend more and meanwhile the important things in life suffer? No thanks. Of course, when you lay it out like that, it seems like a no-brainer, but it’s easy to get caught up in the whirlwind of dreams, plans, and all that comes with this modern life. I hope to find a place that feels more peaceful for me and my family, and I hope you can too!
This is brave. I really admire what you’ve been able to accomplish and I appreciate your honesty about all the time it takes to create blog content. Good on you! Thanks!
Hey Mandi!
I love this post. Doing too much is definitely something I’ve struggled with too. And it feels so great to come to a place of peace knowing that I have a Father who takes care of us no matter what. I believe supposed “success” isn’t worth anything if it makes you sacrifice the things that really matter to you. Maybe my outlook has been far too much shaped by old movies :-). But there’s one that says it really well…”No man is a failure who has friends.
http://www.BeccaMcCann.com
Mandi, I’ve been struggling with time management when it comes to work-blogging-motherhood-wifehood, too! I love this post, and I can relate SO much. Lately, I’ve been trying to limit my computer time to only while Asa sleeps — and that’s if I don’t have things around the house to do. And, surprisingly, I still find time to take pictures and blog. Although my blog is nowhere near as beautiful or involved as yours (I only do outfits with the occasional makeup tutorial, much easier than lifestyle posts and DIY’s I think!), so it probably takes me a lot less time than it does you! But still, it’s wonderful to know I’m not the only mom out there trying to figure out the right balance of life vs blogging vs work. I pray you’ll find a good balance for you!
xo
Kristina
http://www.eccentricowl.com
Hi Mandi, I’ve been reading your blog for three years or so. While I enjoy how you have shared your style and creativity with us, I am happy to see you take this stand for your life and your family. That is not an easy thing to do in this world that tells us more (work/money/success) is better, but somehow at the same time never enough. Thank you for this reminder and good example, it is encouraging to hear!
I’ve found some practical advice about how to deal with burnout here: http://www.jw.org/en/publications/magazines/g201409/job-burn-out-prevention/ and also how to be truly successful here: http://www.jw.org/en/publications/magazines/g201410/true-success-or-false-success/ . I think you will enjoy these articles, as they are based on the Bible.
Wish you the best!
I’ve followed your blog for years, and I know there comes a time when a blogger needs to cut back but man does it also cut for the reader. I love the small connections we’ve made on other social networking sites and I support you 100%, as selfish as I am to see you go :P
Lots of Love!
Good for you. You’re paying attention to what matters.
Dear Mandi, thank you for this post.I know exactly what you mean in terms of choices. I don’t have a blog or a family but I do have a job. At some point I realised it wasn’t worth it working so much so that I could have more money. I had more money but so much little time! I was unhappy and completely burnt out. So, the decision was made! Less work (which means less things I can afford) BUT more free time, less exhaustion and more happiness as I ‘ve got more time to do the things I enjoy! Because what matters in life after all is enjoying life and being able to breathe calmly… xo
Amen to all of this!! Especially Gilmore Girls ;)
I started reading Free: Spending Your Time on What Matters Most. I’ve practiced (sometimes better than others) intentional living and voluntary simplicity for about 10 years. I’ve been so moved by your musings on cancer, and when my young 34 year old husband had his stroke a month ago I found a lot of strength and love in your words. I think everyone should read this book–I’ve suggested it for our young adult ministry. It’s such a book of truth. Thanks for sharing. xoxo
I completely relate to everything you are saying & am somewhat in the same position (although it sounds as though you are juggling much more). I have started & stopped my vintage clothing & home decor shops several times because I cannot sen to find the time for photos, editing, listings, shipping, etc. & keep up with it consistently (I am starting to dedicate more time lately).
I was in tears the other night when my 4 year old daughter stubbed her toe getting in to bed for reading time. She told me “ouch that really hurt, but earlier today I just pretended to hurt my leg because I wanted you to come upstairs & play with me”. I had to leave the room for a minute to gather myself & from that point forward I am making sure to make time (real time, not 20 mins here there) for tea parties, play doh creations, or super heroes with my 3 year old son.
I am working on living a more ‘intentional life’ as opposed to just going through the motions day in & day out (like hamsters on a wheel). The concept of minimalism addresses not just physical clutter in our lives, but more importantly the mental & emotional clutter & distractions. We are all a work in progress one way or another. I feel lucky to realize my short comings now & work on them. If not for me, but to be the best role model that I can be for my children.
Thanks for sharing this post. It’s inspiring to hear others (especially people who seem to have it all together) be honest about how tough life can be at times.
All the best to you & your family!
Tara
Oh and by the way that photo is hysterical….so precious! Possibly a holiday card?
What a great and honest post. I think SO many of can relate to that! I’ve been a stay at home mum for 2 years now and I go through waves of acceptance, and then other times feel completely trapped by the monotony of dishes, washing, groceries, nappy changes etc. Currently I’m in the ‘aghhhh I can’t take it anymore’ phase so it’s time to make some changes and figure out how I can balance being a full time mama as well as earning some dough/ having projects. xx
P.S just bought the book you recommended and can’t wait to have a read.
Hello Mandi
This has to be the blog post that has resonated with me the most this year. My son is 11 months old and I could not afford to stop working, we currently live in France away from all family and friends so there is no help. The only time I would travel back to the UK was to have scans for breast cancer, happy to say I have stayed clear for 14 months now!
Sometimes I am calm when people tell me how ‘lucky’ I am to work from home or make casual remarks about how ‘fun’ it must be to work in my PJs. Most of the time I want to scream rude things at them but I don’t because I am nice and they just don’t realize.
I feel guilty all the time that I am failing as a mother and a wife and whilst I wish you had no guilt I find it a comfort to know I am not alone in this. As Sebastian was the result of 10 years of trying and miscarriages I feel that I should be nothing but grateful and don’t get me wrong I am blessed really blessed but I do need to work and once in a while I would love a shower!
I am going to order that book right now and next year I am going to try and let myself off the hook more often. Fingers crossed all of use working parents can do the same. Onwards and upwards comrades.
Take Care
Nicolette xo
Oh and we ALL need Gilmore Girls my hubby mocks me for loving it but it is the closest I can get to living in Stars Hollow, I want to live there so bad.
I want Babbett as my neighbour and dare I say it I would have Taylor as the town selectman because I am a fan of ice cream and fun fairs x
I’m not gonna lie, I will miss your regular updates but thankfully your on instagram and I shall still pop back here to check out any new posts but your happiness and family life are far more important! x
This is exactly where I’m at in my life as a mama of four/work at home blogger right now. Thank you for saying it all out loud for us and blazing the path in redeeming our time!